I have only known pain and humiliation my entire life. My abusers who have relentlessly raped and molested me, have perverted my perception of the meaning of love. Being loved is very frightening, joy is very new and healing is extremely excruciating. They have erased my understanding of what is love, that my therapist during psychotherapy has told me that I am only capable to take little doses of being loved right now, gently, for being loved by others was hurting me.

I was self-harming myself, cutting both arms and legs to bleed all over the floor. I have survived multiple suicide attempts, all in July 2019. My abusers, especially A, has intentionally created pain and recurrent exacerbation of major depressive episode on a chronic background of dysthymia, in which I have been suffering from. Without him, darkness would not have happened; the pain that I have coped with was beyond normal human capacity, creating sub-rooms or sub-layers, doors and hallways, where countless of my little ones self-state alters dwell.