Documenting the periods of my traumatic memories that were revived. The first phase was March 2016 to June 2019 (aged 20 to 23), consists of group two abusers. The second phase was July 2019 to February 2020 present (aged 24), consists of group one and three abusers. I am trying to make sense of it all still. Before age 20, I had no idea I have a trauma history. There are still much more walled traumatic memories behind, that my system is protecting me from knowing it and be overwhelmed. I call it an “infinite sequence”, for it was as severe as this.

The first highlight was back in September 11, 2001, lasted until September 17, 2001. Second highlight was August 24, 2019 to September 14, 2019. Third highlight was May 24, 2017 to June 14, 2017. All three time frames are connected, then it is linked up with second phase and lastly, the first phase, in order.

Second phase, first group of abusers, first account: I was in my most traumatized position, looking down completely, with both of my legs bent sideways, holding my other upper arm tightly, crying. My abuser came to me, forcefully kissed my lips, then physically restrained me with his hands and I was tied-up and bound sideways. He licked my bare feet and side neck, as I was blushing red hot, feeling extremely humiliated. Even now out of the scene, I am still feeling humiliated.

He removed my white undies, but not my clothing, and started to penetrate my genital sideways intensively. I was moaning deeply in pain and was bleeding into a pool of blood. He had made me mentally and intellectually disabled, intentionally. I did not understand what sex means, was very vulnerable and innocent.